“Self Love is the greatest middle finger of all times” ~ Anonymous
I was raised by a great mother who has devoted all her life to love everyone around her unconditionally, give endlessly, and worry unlimitedly. And guess who turned up to be exactly like her? Myself. Unfortunately, my eldest son, Talal, will more likely turn out to be the same. Now let me explain why I said “unfortunately” as I am sure you are puzzled from this statement when ‘loving’ and ‘giving unconditionally’ are both amazing traits, right?
But when your capacity to love and give to others exceeds the love you give to yourself, and while you are loving the World, you forget to do some me-love. What I mean is, when you sacrifice all your needs to make those around you happy, loved, and taken care of, that is when that trait becomes a problem!
Maybe you think that I am the least qualified person to give advice on love and relationships based on the facts that I am divorced, have had unsuccessful relationships so far, single and haven’t found YET the love of my life and the relationship that will nurture me as much as I will nurture and give in to it. You have every right to think so and even express it to me – it is your safe space here – but maybe if you continue reading this post you will learn a thing or two about why my relationships have not been successful so far, and maybe if you found yourself in my words, you promise yourself to change as I promised mine.
My relationships failed because I gave love unconditionally and without limits. Those two things should be good, but you men (yes, there are some men who are givers as well – I don’t want any eyes rolling from my female audience) and women reading this who are givers by nature, lovers by default and nurturers like hell know what I am talking about. You know that in order to have a successful relationship the give-take formula has to be equally divided or to a some extent in the same range, but not as far as the distance between the earth and the sun. It will not work, maybe on the surface it seems working but digging deep you know that there is one person in the relationship who is drained, exhausted and most likely unhappy.
The continuous dilemma that I have been facing is to be able to balance between my needs and those that I love and care about. I tend to fail in the first part because it is really difficult to think of yourself first when you are the hope spreader, the world love believer, holding the intention of kindness, and having a pure heart towards everyone. This is due to the ultimate satisfaction you get from helping others and seeing them happy, even if that entails making them happier than your own self.
It is very hard when you are kind to give up on giving kindness to people in need especially those you love. It takes so much courage to quit a relationship when you are a stubborn non-quitter by nature. I am not a saint, and I am not trying to blame others for my own mess ups! I take full responsibility every single day of the actions that I take or withhold from taking. I take full responsibility in not managing my own expectations, in slipping over and indulging in that giving bucket of mine time after time, and in taking longer time for me to understand that loving myself first is the most important love I can give. If anything, it is my first step for salvation.
Loving yourself fully and not waiting for someone, a situation, or a need to complete you is the secret weapon to live happily and start attracting healthy relationships that are based on mutual respect, understanding and love. When you start leaning towards loving yourself and knowing your worth, you will not accept anymore any relationship, situation or even a conversation that is not in harmony with this self love.
We are taught that self love is a selfish act. God, how paranoid can we be to be considered as selfish people! Well, I declare it here to the World, if self love is a selfish behavior, then I am the most selfish person on this planet , and I will not stop until you join me! The World will only love you back if you love yourself. The World will only value you if you value yourself. If you are waiting for someone else to give you that “worthy affirmation” certificate for you to face the World with, trust me when I say that certificate will only close doors in your face and open none.
Falling in love with yourself first does not make you selfish, it makes you indestructible!
I am still learning everyday to say No to things that do not align with my self love. I am still learning daily that helping people and being kind to them does not mean that I have to tolerate their shit. I am still learning to quit any relationship, even if I invested time and emotions in, sooner than later if deep down I know that it will never nurture me the way I want and deserve. I am still learning each day to look at myself in the mirror and say “I love you” even in the days when my heart is full of doubt, shame, anger and sadness.
Come and join me and let us learn together how we love ourselves More, More and More!
“Have I told you lately that I Love You. Have I told you there’s no one else Above You.”~ Have I Told You Lately by Rod Stewart.